Of late my blog posts have been introspective and reflective. Today I want to just side track a bit and share with you a recent dinner discussion. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if it was an appropriate anecdote to share. But here it is anyway.
I’m not sure how this came up in our dinner conversation but the topic ended up consuming most of the evening’s discussion. It certainly kept us entertained for the evening.
So are you a stand up wiper or a sit down wiper?
If you still don’t know what I am talking about and you want me to explain it, I have to warn you, it’s a gross topic but a reality of our daily private life that we don’t often discuss with anyone, let alone strangers at a dinner party.
Seriously, who really wants to know if you stand up or sit down to wipe?
Well on this occasion, our dinner guests did!
Stand Up Wiper Defined
A stand up wiper (SUW) is a person who wipes and cleans their bum after they’ve done their number twos and conversely a sit down wiper (SDW) as it suggests, is someone who sits down to wipe.
I’ve got you thinking now? You’ve never given it much thought have you? You’re possibly recalling from your memory banks of useless trivial memories whether you stand up or sit down.
The Delightful Dinner Conversation
Sitting around our meter and a half wide and nearly 2 meter long cream travertine dining table were our eight dinner guests. Some knew each other some didn’t. I don’t remember how this conversation topic came up, most likely hubby (I’ll blame him – he’s not a regular reader of my blog, so it’s ok). Fortunately most of us were nearing then end of our last forkful of mains when the conversation was initiated. I’m a very visual person so this discussion rendered me with vivid images. I’m just glad I didn’t cook curry for dinner on this particular evening.
We identified that all eight of us are SDW. Evident by the reactions of our guests most were not aware that SUW even existed!
“Why would anyone stand up to wipe?! You just don’t get a clean wipe …..or do you?” he said standing up demonstrating the ridiculousness of the action.
“What type of person stands up to wipe?!” another.
“Is there a condition that requires you to stand up to wipe?” her brows met and creases in her forehead told us that she was trying hard to understand the personality of a SUW.
“But it’s just common sense to wipe whilst you’re sitting down. Your arse cheeks are spread apart, you have clearer access to where you need to wipe. You just don’t get that standing up!”
“…..and and ….who the hell teaches their kid to stand up and wipe??!!”
We all nodded and uttered in agreement. We bonded. We were united.
The majority of us had kids (now young adults or nearing) and none of us taught our kids to be SUW. Well, primarily because we didn’t know it was a “thing” and secondly we just wouldn’t teach our kids this unusual , impractical, unconventional toilet hygiene habit, for the commonsensical reasons already spiritedly expressed.
“So, the people who stand up to wipe, where did they learn it from? I just thought everyone sits down to wipe!”
“Were they initially sit down wipers and as they matured they decided for themselves that stand up wiping is more efficient and a better use of time?”
“here’s a thought, was it their secret way of rebelling?” she nodded knowingly, waving her index finger as if she had just had an ahha moment profiling the elusive stand up wiper. She’s a psychotherapist.
“maybe they just want to avoid getting hemorrhoids. Because their mum told them that if they sit on the toilet too long on the phone they’ll end up with a grapey arse. And no one likes a grapey arse” . He just can’t help himself sometimes and had to get graphic to get his point across. He’s a former Chiropractor who loves imagery.
Not a valid reason for becoming a life long SUW but plausible.
Naturally we resorted to Mr ….or Ms Google to answer our questions. Did you know there are discussion forums about the topic? Some even stating that one group didn’t know the other one existed. Like ours.
Google didn’t provide us with any insights or revelations. We were in search of a concrete explanation to answer our “but why?” stand up wiping question.
Confession. Or a possible sudden awareness of self?
Her eyes pensively scanned the reactions of other dinner guests as she coyly and quietly announced “I think I may be a stand up wiper”
“HUH!!! what do you mean you THINK? How do you not know? Do you stand or sit?” his voice raised, as if he’d caught his child stealing a treat from the pantry cupboard.
“Well I kind of raise myself up from the seat”
“But everyone does. We all have to lift our arses up to wipe it!”
She paused. Thinking. Thinking.
“But are both cheeks off and your legs are half bent half straightened?” the questions continue from the group.
There was silence. Her head tilts and her eyes looks up to the right, It was obvious she was recalling recent images of her toilet hygiene behaviour.
“umm yes” she nods with a wry smile. Her husband looks at her in shock, having just discovered this peculiarity of the woman he’s been laying next to in bed for the last 25 years. He was left perplexed.
We didn’t arrive at any conclusions or have any revelations. We were merely left with many more questions. And a wife’s confession accompanied by a husband’s shock discovery.
Do you know if you’re a stand up wiper? Or your partner? Did you ever consider it as a criteria on Tinder profile as to whether you swipe left or right? Or should you I say wipe left or right? hahaha…oh goodness I think that’s another blog post for another day.
What does it say about a person who stands up to wipe? (assuming here, that all sit down wipers are the “normal” ones). The psychologist in me wants a personality profile done of stand up wipers vs sit down wipers.
Just something for you to ponder on throughout the day. Hope you were entertained.
Side note : if you ever want a icebreaker conversation try this one, oh and it’s also quite bonding exercise too.